crying while i write this.

I can’t take it. I just can’t take it anymore.
Physics, the one subject I love. Today, in the online class, we were taught kinematic derivations and their applications and I got it but I didn’t at the same time. ‘Cause I understood it but if I was asked to teach it to someone, I couldn’t. And I know, I have the internet, my biggest resource. But I’m just so tired of trying to learn things on my own.

I ask questions, my teachers tell me that it’s not necessary to know this stuff in my age, I ask for more examples, they tell me to stick to the examples given to me. I’m just so tired of working so hard for marks. And when I get 100%, I’m not happy.

I’m tired of learning being limited and restricted to only the pages of my textbook. But I’m also tired of trying so hard to not let my mind get limited.

I cry while I write this because I’m going to school, to this special section for intelligent students called I section. And I don’t feel intelligent. Everybody in my class goes to this extra coaching class called FIITJEE. Every single body except me. And in 9th grade, they learn about 10th grade stuff. Everybody knows more than me because of FIITJEE, they like to study in their free time and I don’t. Deep down, I just want to feel intelligent and I’m not. I’m such a fraud and I feel pathetic for crying. And I want to study in my free time but I can’t because I don’t like it and the same time I preach a lot about learning. I’m just so tired of exploring, breaking boundaries but staying in boundaries just feels wrong.

And I’m trying, very much but it’s not enough. And I know that intelligence can’t be quantified but I can’t help but quantify my intelligence against others.

I wanna stand out but I’m tired of being the different person, the other student.

I’m tired of nobody getting me while I’m proud that I’m so original that no one gets me.

I wanna be productive but I’m not. And I’m tired of feeling unproductive.

I restrain my thinking, I follow the trend, and I don’t feel like myself. I think too much, try to be different, I get tired.

And call it a paradox or whatever but I just can’t anymore. I just can’t.