Hiding

Hello, lovely people of the internet.

I’m clueless. So, I’ll just write about…. “the horrifying ordeal of being known.”

I am opposed to this statement with every fibre of my being. Do you ever feel invisible? So positively unknown that you just want to collapse into yourself? Do you ever feel absolutely unseen and it startles you?

I don’t really know if anybody else feels it but I know I do. I feel like there is a version of me that I feel inside me and I believe to be “me” but it feels like nobody sees that version of me. And it feels like they’re interacting not with me but with a projection of their experience of me.

I believe people to be dimensional and multi-dimensional. Even those people, who speak their mind or wear their heart on their sleeve, have layers.

I feel like the innermost layer of me feels a lot and thinks a lot, craves love and attention, hopes that the idea of soulmates are possible, is a hopeless hopeless romantic, simultaneously looks at the world as an idealist and a cynic. But, I don’t really show that side to anyone. I feel like that part of me which is vulnerable is a soft, soft, soft side of me and I don’t want it to harden. And thus, I don’t show it. And thus, people don’t interact with the true, undiluted version of me. Ultimately, it’s my fault that people don’t interact with that part of me. Which is frustrating. Because I want people to know about the true me but I also don’t want that part of me to be diluted by the world.

Does that mean that I’m faking? To be completely honest, I don’t think I fake being me. I feel like I show my logical side all the time and emotional side rarely and thus, people think I’m a robot and I can’t feel.

So, according to me, I show a filtered version of the real “me”. Do you people go through the same? I’m truly curious. Tell me in the comments.

Whom am I reserving this special side for? I have no idea.