feelings – Figuring It Out…

Hiya sweeties! I’ve been very busy, schoolwork, schoolwork and more schoolwork. (Read: SOMEBODY HELP! SOS)

Anyways, it took me forever to write this post, partly because I was so invested in reading this book called “Deep Work” by Cal Newport. I highly recommend it even though, I’m not done with it yet.

Today, I’d like to talk about something very dear to me: words. Since I can remember, I’ve always had this fascination with words. Words, words, words. They were my chemicals in a science lab. I could play around with them, not take myself seriously, take myself seriously, experiment with what works for me and what doesn’t and just generally hone the craft of writing.

Around last year, I finally got the courage to call myself an artist. A writer, a poet. It was a terrifying process, labelling myself. When you’re a writer, you see, you wish with every atom of your being to be called a writer and yet, you don’t actually call yourself one. Why? Because you’re not sure if your writing is even counted as valid or worthy enough for you to be called a writer. Fortunately, I got through that alive.

But today, suddenly a thought struck me: I call myself a writer but am I really living up to it?
I had become a hack who never wrote but fell in love with word : “WRITER.” I realized that writing only when I want to scribble all over the notebook is not ever going to make my writing take off where I really want it to go.

I really believed I was doing something. But I’m not. Writing, right now, is something that I play with over the weekend. I don’t want that.

Writing is one of the things that calls to me. I wanna write and write and write until I’m drowning in my words, submerged in them to the complete point of no return.

After the realisation that I wasn’t really accomplishing anything, I had this ache to write. It didn’t even had to be a good piece. I just had to write. So I did. I painted out 500 words of a scene that I had in my head. And, I thought, this is what I want to do. I want this. Everyday, I want this. Just one hour of uninterrupted writing while Jazz plays in the background.

After this connection with my emotions, I felt like this is something that needs to be shared. I found a profound connection when other people my age were still struggling to explore the world.

As a young writer, I take it as my duty to be as honest and as prolific as possible. I hope that I can finally live up to the name I’ve given myself, a writer.

lauv, i love you

do you ever have this feeling when you just realize that you’re still young, you have lots of time left to become who you want to be as a person?

i never had this feeling until… i discovered this new musical artist: Lauv.

so, here’s the deal. when people tell me to listen to a particular song or read a particular book, i don’t. i have this weird obsession with discovering underrated artists. because most of the time, the famous, mind-blowing songs turn out to be utter crap about how cool the singer is or about how much money they have and just crap. so, naturally when people told me to check out Lauv, i didn’t. big mistake on my part. i know i shouldn’t be so judgmental and presumptuous but i can’t help it (it took me forever to read the hunger games). it gives a whole meaning to one bad apple ruins the whole tree or something. i can’t remember the exact proverb.

so, yesterday, once i got frustrated trying to study everything at once, i just went to my room, turned off the lights, turned on the air conditioner, put on Lauv’s first studio album: how i’m feeling. and i was truly surprised when a very silky voice started singing, not about money and how famous he was but about the feelings we all face (at some point of our life) but usually ignore. and i just closed my eyes, and felt the words and the music. and honestly, i felt like i was high or drunk. i was satiated by his words because they were related with this part of me that was so deeply hidden that i didn’t know i had the part in the first place.

his lyrics made me realize that i still have time, i don’t have to compete with myself so brutally, i didn’t have to torture myself for all the mistakes i made because it’s these mistakes that will lead me closer to who i want to become.

his music is not sad, it’s not happy. that’s the thing. the lyrics convey simple truths and the music fits in a very complicated manner. because not all feelings have to be classified as positive or negative, some feelings are just complicated.

i am so thankful i decided to listen to his album just to see if it would resonate with me and it did, more than i expected. i’m grateful to the mechanism of decision making of my brain and random chance that made me decide to put on his album.

i did my best to describe this weird, unintentionally funny, hopeless romantic guy and what he made me feel but i couldn’t capture the exact feelings and vibes, forgive me. but i can guarantee you, you don’t want to miss sensory delights as his music.